Teenage Dream? Turning into a Teenage Nightmare… Crash and BURN!

So I haven’t updated in a while.

Since June 12, apparently.

A lot has happened.

“Hot guy” and I continued to spend time together and things were wonderful and fantastic.  We spent 4th of July together which was super special to me… I NEVER have a date on the 4th, and it’s like my favorite holiday, I LOVE fireworks, and I loved watching fireworks together and making our own fireworks later that night, if you know what I mean… 😉 😉 😉

Anyway, a lot more fun things happened before and after the 4th, and it was wonderful and fantastic and I was SO HAPPY.   We decided to plan a weekend get-away together the first weekend in August.  We decided on camping, and he even offered to pay for everything which I thought was super sweet.  I was so excited for our camping weekend, a chance to just get away, just me and him and our doggies.  I was looking forward to romantic evenings by a campfire and heating up the tent and mostly just some nice quality time together, away from all distractions.

The weekend didn’t go as well as I had anticipated.  The first night we were there he made me cry because basically more or less I didn’t always agree with his every word or thought or idea, because you know, I am an individual myself and also have my own thoughts and opinions.  I’m a grown woman and can intelligently arrive at my own thoughts and ideas.  Anyway, basically he thought I was being “argumentative” with him because instead of just following his every barking command while setting up the campsite, I tried to offer my own ideas to make things easier.  Also because I didn’t agree that a lamp was super bright or something.  Oh and then he got mad because I wanted to walk to the bathroom at one point and he wanted to walk me there, which is a sweet gesture that I appreciate, but the bathroom wasn’t far, I’m perfectly capable of walking myself, and I thought somebody should stay with our dogs.

Anyway, the rest of the weekend went pretty well for the most part, but it was after we came back that he started acting distant and weird.  I felt him pulling away/pushing me away and I didn’t understand why.  Long story, since that was almost 2 months ago now but basically I kept trying to make it better but he wasn’t helping and then my friend who has a profile on a dating website found that HE had a profile there, and it’s a paid website, so he’s like paying for this damn profile even though he’s been dating me.

He had referred to me as his “girlfriend” and himself as my “boyfriend” a few times and when I confronted him about these things he was like, “well we’re just hanging out” so apparently I went from being his girl to being just some girl or something I don’t know.  Bullshit.

But I keep trying to make it better and keep hoping it will get better and finally he confessed to me that he was mad that I don’t do his dishes, rub his back, cook his dinner, blank his blank enough.  So I started making more efforts to do these things, and he told me he would delete that stupid dating profile, which he hasn’t.

Last night I went to his house, despite my better judgement.  There’s been a few times that I’ve been ready to just tell his ass off and be done with him, but the memories of the beginning and how sweet and wonderful and amazing he was and how happy he made me and the hopes of getting that back keep me around.  So I went to his house last night.

Everything was fine, and we were about to order some food.  He wanted me to call, and he had previously had the restaurant’s website pulled up on his phone, so I pulled my phone out with the number ready to dial and asked him for the number and he got mad.  He got like pissed of.  He said I was being “demanding” and thought I should have pulled the number up on my phone (even though he had JUST had the number on his phone) and dialed (also despite the fact that my battery was about to die and I seriously probably had just enough battery to make the call).  Anyway he got like PISSED and made me cry and was talking about how the last time I was at his house I didn’t rub his back and about how I didn’t just follow his orders when we were camping and basically more or less informed me that I’m supposed to just do what he tells me to do without question and just do it.  And my suggestions are apparently irrelevant and I’m supposed to just do what he says.

Anyway so I was crying and I told him I would just leave and he got mad because I was going to leave and because I was crying.  And he was being pissy and quite frankly a dick and I was apologizing and trying to explain that I wasn’t being demanding and that I try to do everything for him etc. etc. etc. and he never once apologized for his own fault.

We eventually made up and the rest of the night was nice, but like, damn.  I think this is borderline abuse, for real.  My head keeps telling me to RUN but something makes me stick around for more…

You Make Me Feel Like I’m Living A Teenage Dream

Yesterday on my way home from work, Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream” came on the radio.  The first line “You think I’m pretty without any make-up on” made me think about “the guy” (as I will be referring to him).  He has yet to see me in makeup, yet he still seems so strongly attracted to me.   I typically don’t hang out with guys like that without putting makeup on!  He’s pretty much only seen me looking less than glamorous, yet that doesn’t seem to phase him.

And I am living my teenage dream right now.  When I was a teenager, I would have killed to spend even five minutes with this guy!  A single conversation would have made my day!  And now we’re like, seeing eachother.  I don’t know what to call it, I don’t want to label it yet.  It’s only been two weeks (although I thought it had been at least 3 until I looked at my calendar) and I don’t wanna call it something it isn’t.  But we’re definitely spending a lot of time together, and we at least text every single day.

I know like, texting isn’t such a huge deal, unless you’re 14.  But I don’t think he’s really the “phone conversation” type, and it really is pointless and awkward to be on the phone with somebody when you really have nothing to say other than “Hi how was your day.”  You can have “awkward silences” when you’re texting, but it’s super awkward to have those on the phone, where you’re just sitting there with nothing to say wondering why you called or they called in the first place, and then you both feel stupid, so you get off the phone, and then that stupid feeling just lingers.  So then you want to call the person back or send them a text after, to “erase” the stupid feeling, but then you feel dumb for doing that since you just got off the phone with them.   So yeah, I’d rather recieve a daily text than a daily call.  A text conversation never really has to “end” anyway, not like a phone conversation does.  And I’m happy just to know that he thinks about me long enough on a daily basis to even take a few moments to send me a text.

He introduced me to his parents and his sister!!!  What does that mean???  Typically these things don’t happen until later on, when you’re serious about the person, and already in an established relationship.  And that certainly doesn’t happen until well after 2 weeks.

But, my last “serious” boyfriend and I became “official” after only 2 weeks.  It was actually really cute how that happened… I received a text from him at like 2am saying we needed to talk.  I immediately thought that can’t be good!  So when I called him the following day on my lunch break to ask him what he wanted to talk about, what could have been so important at 2am, I certainly didn’t expect him to ask, “what are we to eachother?”  And that’s pretty much when he told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend and so I was for the following months until he woke up one day with his panties in a bunch and dumped me out of the blue (pretty sure there was another woman).   But I still don’t think I met his mom until a couple weeks later.  And then it was like, more “formal” than going to hang out on a boat on a lake.

Actually it was a super dick move on his part.  He told me he had invited his mom and grandma out for dinner with us.   It wasn’t until the day of that he told me he had informed him that I had offered to pay for dinner.  I certainly did not offer to pay for everyone’s meal!  So even though he kind of reimbursed me by paying for something else later on that we would have typically split the cost of, it was super dick of him to just throw that on me the day of.  What a dick.  And then this dude had the audacity to text me a few weeks ago out of nowhere, after I hadn’t even spoken to him for a year and had erased his number, to try to hang out with me and then tell me the day that we were supposed to hang out that he couldn’t because the only reason he wanted to hang out was to try to get back together with me but that he was going through some shit and it would be unfair for him to try to pursue me at that time… So basically dumping me again before I even had a chance to consider giving him the second chance that he wanted.  What a dick.

I’m glad that he did cancel though, because I *may* have been dumb enough to give him a second chance, and then I wouldn’t be hanging out with “the guy” right now!  And he’s way hotter and way sweeter.  And even if things don’t work out, I’m just happy for an opportunity to live out my “teenage dream”

🙂

There’s a boy I know He’s the one I dream of Looks into my eyes Takes me to the clouds above Oooh I lose control, can’t seem to get enough!

So the guy I’ve been talking to took me to meet his parents today!  It was so unexpected…

I went to a NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK concert last night (just had to throw that out there, haha) and we had plans to hang out today.  He texted me this morning and asked if I wanted to go to his parent’s cottage.  I had NO IDEA that his parents would be there!  It’s been my experience (for the most part) that if a guy, especially a guy I’m newly seeing, wants to take me to their parents’ anything, his parents typically aren’t there.  I didn’t expect them to be there.  But they were.

And his parents were so nice!  Just nice friendly people and the way they went back and forth with eachother really reminded me of my own parents.  His dad had recently bought a new pontoon boat (my FAVORITE kind of boat!) and was all super proud and stuff, and that was nice to see.  It reminded me of my dad and his garden that he is so proud of.  Like, his parents just remind me a lot of my own, and even though I have my issues with my parents at times, it’s just so nice that they are so like my own.

Later, at his house, his sister was coming over.  I suggested that I would leave, and he told me I didn’t need to.  So like, he had been talking about me meeting his sister, but I think he like wanted me to meet her.   And she was super nice as well!  She used to work at the job where I currently work, so she and I have that in common. 

But like, he obviously wanted to introduce me to his family, which I think is super amazing.  At our age, people don’t typically introduce just anyone to their family; especially their parents.  So I think this means he genuinely likes me.  He clearly likes me enough to introduce me to his family, which makes me feel super happy.  To me, that’s kind of a big deal.  And I LOVE that he thinks highly enough of me to introduce me to his family.

He’s just so super sweet and pretty amazing.  And he has the cutest most amazing smile that just makes me melt!  And I have noticed that he has his kind of like, nerdy or dorky moments lol but I love it.  I don’t want a “super cool” guy who’s just perfect all the time… I want a guy who has his nerdy moments because I definitely have PLENTY of those myself!

We were texting the other day, and he randomly said something about “I hope you’re as sweet as I think you are” which I have no idea why he said that, but I replied with “I hope you’re as amazing as I think you are” and he informed me, “I would never hurt you” and I SO hope that’s true. 

Oh it makes me melt!  I’m the kind of girl who WANTS to fall in love… I want to fall in love and find my happily ever after.  I want to be the perfect wife to my perfect husband (by “my perfect husband” I mean a man with flaws but who is perfect for me).  I want to be loved as unconditionally as I’m capable of loving. 

But I’m also realistic in the fact that I know I’ve been hurt a lot in my past, by men who I thought and hoped were my “happily ever after” and so I don’t hold my breath on anything.  You can’t hold your breath when it comes to another person. 

But I can also say that nobody I’ve ever dated before has had so much in common with me.  We seem to have a LOT in common, and I do believe that is a good foundation for something real.  And I just want the real thing.  And currently, I’m truly hoping he is the real thing.   And if not, I will do my best to just smile because it happened, and not cry because it’s over.

He just has these brown eyes that make life amazing and he has this smile that makes you want to ride a unicorn through a field of daisies

Life is so funny sometimes.  I mean, just the way things turn out, when the unexpected fantasy becomes a reality.  This has happened to me a few times in my life in fact.  When I was 3rd row for my first Mariah Carey concert in 2003 (I have idolized her since I was a young girl); when I went to my first New Kids On The Block concert last year after 20 years of waiting for that and even got to touch Jon Knight’s hand! haha!  Oh, and  there have been many other things too.  But the current has me excited and gives me butterflies!

In 9th grade, I had a HUGE crush on this boy who went to my high school.  I’m pretty sure I never even spoke to the kid, but I saw him in the halls a lot.  I recall writing several many notes to my best friend about how cute I thought he was.  It was mostly about “I saw him in the hall today and he looked so hot!” but I definitely recall having a huge crush on him.  Even though I thought he was likely a huge dick, haha and he was never as tall as I generally like my guys to be!

He transferred schools the following year, and I’m sure I pretty much forgot about him.  I mean, I remembered him, but “out of sight, out of mind.”  Until Junior year when I transferred schools and happened to transfer to the school that he did!  I remember my excitement when I saw him in the hall at school and telling my friend (the one who I wrote the notes to) about it.  I think I spoke to him once and asked if he remembered me from our previous high school, I’m pretty sure that happened, but it’s been so long ago that I don’t remember exactly, and I certainly don’t remember his reply.

I transferred schools AGAIN senior year (yeah, I bounced around a lot) and didn’t run into him again until a couple years after that at some college party.  I didn’t speak to him, but I definitely remember seeing him and feeling giddy and telling my current best friend who was with me at the time all about the crush I had on him in high school.

After that, I really never thought I’d see him again.  I’m sure he crossed my mind over the years, but only as a brief passing thought when reminiscing about high school.  Since I had never even had a conversation with the guy, it wasn’t like he was somebody I sat and thought about or anything.  Just somebody I remembered having a crush on in high school.

I’m pretty sure I saw him at the bar one night a few months ago when a guy I know was trying to take me on a date.  I say “trying” because while I’m sure he thought it was a “date,” it definitely was not!  But I do recall seeing the guy, I think we made eye-contact, and feeling that giddy feeling.  If I hadn’t been with that other guy and wasn’t concerned about being rude, I’m sure I would have spoken to him.  But the guy I was with made it difficult for me to even speak to guys I actually did know, and I certainly didn’t need somebody trying to cock-block if I was going to try to speak to my high school crush!  So, it was just a missed opportunity.  But again, it wasn’t like the guy was an important part of my life, not that approaching him at the bar would make us magically fall in love and get married and live happily ever after!  It was whatever.

So, since I’ve been single for quite some time, and definitely not getting any younger, and it’s so super hard to meet a decent guy, I joined an online dating site.  I saw this guy’s profile on the site, but of course I wasn’t about to message him.  I figured he was probably a huge dick and we would have nothing in common, and if he never spoke to me in high school, what would make me think he would message me on a dating website?  Even if he did remember me from high school, I was sure he must have thought I was a huge weirdo and messaging him on a dating site probably wouldn’t improve his opinion of me but rather have the opposite effect.

You can imagine my surprise when I checked my messages last week to find a message from him in my inbox!  And my greater surprise when he said he actually recognized me from high school!  This whole time, I thought I had been INVISIBLE to him!  And so we exchanged a few messages and then he gave me his number 🙂

We texted back and forth for a couple days, and one day actually spent like 7 hours texting eachother!  So then we decided to hang out.  We were going to do dinner, but he was tired after a long stressful day at work, so he just came over for drinks instead.

He is SO MUCH HOTTER than I remembered!  OMG his eyes… He has these amazing brown eyes that when you look into them, you could just lose yourself.  And his smile is like a piece of heaven.  So with these things combined he is like kryptonite. And then on top of all that, he is SO SWEET!  Like, not at all the dick I expected him to be.  He is adorable.

So it has been a very passionate and exciting past few days.  We hung out two nights in a row and he just texted me today and I miss his face.  And I am in such disbelief that it’s actually happening, right now!  With him!  I mean I’m sure it’s going to end sooner than I would like, my relationships always do, and I will be sad and disappointed and all the above… but for right now, I’m just happy it’s happening 🙂

This Girl, pets, and God

This is my first blog.  I am thinking about getting a new dog, but my love for my cat is making it difficult.  Since I am a Christian (a Christian sinner who is on her 4th beer as we speak), it is important to know whether or not God approves of this decision (please don’t come at me with God’s decision about my drinking… we’re gonna work on that later… I already admitted to being a sinner and I’d rather all Christians admit their faults because God knows we all have them… I am not perfect and I won’t pretend to be).  I won’t adopt a dog unelss I know God wants me to have it.  God gave me my perfect cat, Tiana, and I love her more than anyone. Bill Gates could offer me his entire fortune in exchange for her and I would tell him to shove it up his ass.  I love my cat that much.

So to help me with my Christian decision (yes, the same Christian who told Bill Gates to shove it up his ass.  I’m not perfect.  God knows this, and He still loves me.) I have been looking up Bible verses in regards to pet adoption.  Unfortunately the only things I found brought me to sad memories of the cat I had before Tiana.

Her name was Mariah, and she was the most beautiful black and white long haired kitty.  She was perfect.  I still recall even looking at her little kitty butt and thinking what a perfect creation she was; what a perfect gift from God.  She was always a reminder of God’s existence.  I loved her.

She was 9 years old when she was diagnosed with Feline Leukemia; a disease she must have had since birth.  She was never outside or otherwise exposed to the disease in her life.  The only explanation is that it was passed from her mother to her at birth.  And God loved both of us enough to let her live 9 years of her life healthy.

After she was diagnosed, I not only spent a lot of money that I didn’t have to spend on her medication to try to save her life, but I spent a lot of time crying and praying.  I even did my best to baptize my cat with her drinking water.  I prayed that God would bless her water with an understanding of what I was trying to do so I could make sure when Mariah passed, she would go to Heaven.  I prayed to God several times asking to extend her life, but also asking that when her time was up, that He would take her.  I never wanted her to be with anyone but me for her whole life, but the only way that I could find peace in her passing was if her soul went up to God.

Eventually, a year and a half after her diagnosis, there was nothing more I could do for her.  I had to put an end to her suffering and it broke my heart into a million little pieces.  I never thought I would heal.  I had to take a week or two off work because I couldn’t live without her.  I just didn’t know how to function; my loss was that great.  She was my gift from God and suddenly my baby was gone.  It was like losing a child.  I didn’t know how to live without her.

I got Tiana 2 months after Mariah passed.  Tiana was the best thing of my life.  I didn’t think I would love another cat or another being for that matter as much as I loved Mariah.  But it turns out that 2 years later, I can’t live without Tiana.  Bill Gates could come and offer his entire fortune in exchange for Tiana and I would have to choose Tiana, no joke.  If my apartment were on fire, I would run into the burning building to rescue my cat.  Give my cat to a fire fighter to get her out of danger and let me fend for myself.  Either that, or let us both die together.  I am not living without my cat.  I mean, I realize in 18 years she will likely die of old age and that’s different.  But I refuse to let her go before her time, and if she has to, I’m going with her.

So it makes getting a dog so difficult because I’m so afraid of making my cat unhappy.  God is the only one I trust to make the decision for me, since my cat can’t tell me whether or not she’s interested in getting a dog.

I was looking up bible verses to guide me in my decision and I found verses not only saying that those of us who care for our “beasts” are “righteous”  but also verses indicating that pets do in fact go to Heaven when they die.

I loved Mariah, and I still think about her almost 2 years after her death.  It was an important thing for me to do what I could to help ensure she spent her eternity with the only other being that I would trust with her, but I feel extra comfort now knowing that it’s super likely that our pets do go to Heaven.

I can’t stand “false” Christians.  Christians who pretend to be perfect because we all know that none of us are; but Christians who think that animals have no soul.  Animals DO have a soul and I have seen that since I have been very little. A lot of people don’t see the personality in pets; but as someone who has lived with pets literally her whole life, I can say that they have just as much personality and soul as people.  And as a Christian I can say that if God doesn’t allow our pets into Heaven, that’s not a place I want to spend eternity.  Heaven wouldn’t be Heaven without my pets.